Fear

The last couple of days were interesting. Each time I went out, I was afraid that my back was going to act up again. My anxiety level would go up and I had trouble just leaving the house. I had to break it down it down, just to step outside.

When I started thinking about it, the issue was fear. Fear of falling, fear of being stuck on the ground, fear of not being able to help myself, fear of embarrassment, etc... It probably didn't help that I didn't have to face it for a couple of day. I was able to avoid work, by pointing out that muscle-relaxants and pain-pills weren't conducive to solid coding practices.

For two days, I slept, watched TV, read and slept some more. I did the stretching exercises that I was supposed to and did some walking. And I took my pain pills, hoping to hoard my last couple of muscle relaxants until I really needed it. Each time I kept the walking to a minimum near the flat.

This morning was tough. I was up for a couple of hours before the alarm, worrying about whether I would be able to make it, whether I'd fall again, etc... When the alarm went off, I sort of shoved the stupidity aside and got going. Pulled on clothes, groaned in pain at parts, sucked down my pills and got moving.

As usual, what I was afraid of was less than the reality. At times my back spasmed, but nothing as bad as it might have been. I walked when I could, stood when I had to, got to work, had breakfast and did my stretching exercises. Now I'm getting back up to speed on the last few days at work.

Oh the joy.